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Because I Said So
We have a saying in our house: "Who's the boss? Not you!" Sometimes, for fun, I say, "Not Tony Danza," and then my husband does a funny impersonation of good ol’ Tony saying, "Suhmanthuhhhh!" But alas, our 4-year-old still believes he is the boss. And that is my fault.
I had always believed that when you issue a demand, punishment or rejection to your kids, you should explain why. It seemed fair, and it seemed to me it would teach them right from wrong and to recognize acceptable behavior. I thought that providing an explanation would help them to better understand the rules of society and help them to accept the punishment.
I was wrong. All it has taught my son is that he has the power to demand answers, and if he doesn’t like the answer, he doesn’t have to do what we say. So I changed my mind. I am now the “Because I said so” parent. I am in charge, I make the rules, and my children should do what I say, no questions asked, because I said so.
I do not owe my 4-year-old an explanation for why he can’t have a third cookie, or why it’s bed time, or why he can’t spend another hour on the computer, or why I can’t buy him a toy every time we go to Target (which is at least twice a week). Besides, if I think about it and can’t come up with a good explanation, instead of stuttering and grasping for something, it’s much easier to snap, “Because I said so!” And that should be that. He’s the kid. I’m the grown-up. Yet still I’m stomping my feet and whining, “Why won’t he listen to me?”
The fact that I can’t outsmart a 4-year-old is very bad for my self-esteem. But again, it’s all my fault. Something in me wants to spoil him rotten. Because I really do want to let him have another cookie (he doesn’t get sweets very often); and I do want to let him stay up late; and I really don’t mind if he plays on the computer all day long (he’s playing educational games!); and I do want to buy him new toys every time we go to Target (but then I wouldn’t be able to afford the gas to get home). So denying him these simple pleasures in life is very difficult for me. But I have to do it because I love him and it’s my responsibility to teach him to control his impulses and to follow rules and to accept disappointment.
So I send him to bed, then I have a cookie, play on the computer and order stuff for myself online. Ahhh, parenthood is tough.
That's Why We Can't Have Nice Things
I have three kids: a 5-year-old son, an 1-year-old son, and a 37-year-old husband. I'll be publicly making fun of all of them.
We have a saying in our house: "Who's the boss? Not you!" Sometimes, for fun, I say, "Not Tony Danza," and then my husband does a funny impersonation of good ol’ Tony saying, "Suhmanthuhhhh!" But alas, our 4-year-old still believes he is the boss. And that is my fault.
I had always believed that when you issue a demand, punishment or rejection to your kids, you should explain why. It seemed fair, and it seemed to me it would teach them right from wrong and to recognize acceptable behavior. I thought that providing an explanation would help them to better understand the rules of society and help them to accept the punishment.
I was wrong. All it has taught my son is that he has the power to demand answers, and if he doesn’t like the answer, he doesn’t have to do what we say. So I changed my mind. I am now the “Because I said so” parent. I am in charge, I make the rules, and my children should do what I say, no questions asked, because I said so.
I do not owe my 4-year-old an explanation for why he can’t have a third cookie, or why it’s bed time, or why he can’t spend another hour on the computer, or why I can’t buy him a toy every time we go to Target (which is at least twice a week). Besides, if I think about it and can’t come up with a good explanation, instead of stuttering and grasping for something, it’s much easier to snap, “Because I said so!” And that should be that. He’s the kid. I’m the grown-up. Yet still I’m stomping my feet and whining, “Why won’t he listen to me?”
The fact that I can’t outsmart a 4-year-old is very bad for my self-esteem. But again, it’s all my fault. Something in me wants to spoil him rotten. Because I really do want to let him have another cookie (he doesn’t get sweets very often); and I do want to let him stay up late; and I really don’t mind if he plays on the computer all day long (he’s playing educational games!); and I do want to buy him new toys every time we go to Target (but then I wouldn’t be able to afford the gas to get home). So denying him these simple pleasures in life is very difficult for me. But I have to do it because I love him and it’s my responsibility to teach him to control his impulses and to follow rules and to accept disappointment.
So I send him to bed, then I have a cookie, play on the computer and order stuff for myself online. Ahhh, parenthood is tough.
Comments
So I'm reading and understanding and knowing what it is like; even brings me close to tears knowing how it feels! Then I get to the end of your blog and I burst out laughing!
Loved the ending to this story!!
Disclaimer: My "virtual" picture in no way depicts my true image. "Smiley" goes here.
In the beginning I gave reasons all the time for the "why"questions. As a teacher I thought I was helping to educate my kids....HA! After the constant questioning and manipulation; I resorted to the "because I said so" line of justification. Since then, I have read in a parenting book that it is a totally acceptable solution because it teaches kids to accept authority. So now I am validated and know I am helping my kids become productive members of society by saying "because I said so." ;)