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Closed adoption vs. semi-open adoption vs. open adoption (Part IV: Surviving Infertility and moving onto adoption)
(Part IV: Surviving Infertility and moving onto adoption)
My family and friends just thought I was obsessed about getting pregnant. That obsession didn’t hold a light to my optimistic drive and attitude I now had about adopting. Once we decided that adoption was for us I never looked back or thought about “getting pregnant” again. I had finally accepted that carrying a child just wasn’t in the cards for me and I was truly okay with that. I look back now and realize that the perspective I gained during that three year struggle with infertility gave me the strength that I was going to need throughout the process of the adoption.
Just like infertility, there was a lot of research involved in adoption. My first discovery, adoption was going to be very, VERY expensive. Adopting through an agency can cost anywhere from $15,000 to $50,000 and couples can wait years before they are matched with a birthmother. We didn’t have that kind of money and frankly, I didn’t have that kind of patience. After several weeks of research I found that we could go the “independent” route which meant we (or rather me) could network on our own to find a birthmother and then hire an adoption attorney to handle the legality of it all.
After deciding that we would adopt independently we then had to discuss exactly what kind of adoption we wanted. Closed adoption vs. semi-open adoption vs. open adoption.
*Closed adoption = no contact with the birthparents
*Semi-open adoption = sending letters and pictures periodically to the birthparents but no personal contact.
* Open adoption = having open communication with the birthparents, sending letters, e-mails, pictures and often times having visits.
When I finally came to terms with my infertility and decision to move onto adoption one of the main factors that drove me to that decision was that it wasn’t necessarily important to me that I parent my own biological child. I mean, yes, that would have been nice to be pregnant, carry my own baby and look into the eyes of a beautiful child that resembled my husband and I but most of all I wanted to be a mommy, I wanted to be a parent.
My mother ran an in-home daycare all of my life growing up so I was used to caring for other peoples children. Biological child vs. not being my biological child just wasn’t a dilemma for me, realizing that helped me feel even more secure with our decision to adopt.
In my constant research online and reviewing one adoption web-site after another I stumbled upon a web-site for specifically for birthmothers. It was a web-site that was founded by two birthmothers, two birthmothers who happened to find each other during the hardest time of their lives, when they had given up a child for adoption. They became fast friends and decided that they would network online to help other birthmothers going through the same thing that they had been through. www.birthmombuds.com is support site for women/girls who are considering adoption for their unborn child. There is a page on the site dedicated to birthmothers and giving them a chance to tell their personal stories. I spent countless evenings after work reading about the heartache and struggles of these women. The anguish and sadness written in their words was heart-breaking. In all the different circumstances that led them all to the place they were at in their lives where they had to consider adoption, they all had one thing in common, they loved their unborn child and they wanted a good life for that child, a better life then what they thought they could give them.
In all of the dozens of personal stories I read there were a variety of types of adoption. Closed vs. semi-open vs. open. I found the most positive stories to come from the birthmothers who had an open adoption. It was then that I decided that OPEN adoption was the route I would like to take. If a woman was going to trust in me enough to give me her child… actually hand over her baby that she had carried for nine months to me then the least I could do for her is to keep communication open with her. So OPEN ADOPTION it would be!
(Part IV: Surviving Infertility and moving onto adoption)
My family and friends just thought I was obsessed about getting pregnant. That obsession didn’t hold a light to my optimistic drive and attitude I now had about adopting. Once we decided that adoption was for us I never looked back or thought about “getting pregnant” again. I had finally accepted that carrying a child just wasn’t in the cards for me and I was truly okay with that. I look back now and realize that the perspective I gained during that three year struggle with infertility gave me the strength that I was going to need throughout the process of the adoption.
Just like infertility, there was a lot of research involved in adoption. My first discovery, adoption was going to be very, VERY expensive. Adopting through an agency can cost anywhere from $15,000 to $50,000 and couples can wait years before they are matched with a birthmother. We didn’t have that kind of money and frankly, I didn’t have that kind of patience. After several weeks of research I found that we could go the “independent” route which meant we (or rather me) could network on our own to find a birthmother and then hire an adoption attorney to handle the legality of it all.
After deciding that we would adopt independently we then had to discuss exactly what kind of adoption we wanted. Closed adoption vs. semi-open adoption vs. open adoption.
*Closed adoption = no contact with the birthparents
*Semi-open adoption = sending letters and pictures periodically to the birthparents but no personal contact.
* Open adoption = having open communication with the birthparents, sending letters, e-mails, pictures and often times having visits.
When I finally came to terms with my infertility and decision to move onto adoption one of the main factors that drove me to that decision was that it wasn’t necessarily important to me that I parent my own biological child. I mean, yes, that would have been nice to be pregnant, carry my own baby and look into the eyes of a beautiful child that resembled my husband and I but most of all I wanted to be a mommy, I wanted to be a parent.
My mother ran an in-home daycare all of my life growing up so I was used to caring for other peoples children. Biological child vs. not being my biological child just wasn’t a dilemma for me, realizing that helped me feel even more secure with our decision to adopt.
In my constant research online and reviewing one adoption web-site after another I stumbled upon a web-site for specifically for birthmothers. It was a web-site that was founded by two birthmothers, two birthmothers who happened to find each other during the hardest time of their lives, when they had given up a child for adoption. They became fast friends and decided that they would network online to help other birthmothers going through the same thing that they had been through. www.birthmombuds.com is support site for women/girls who are considering adoption for their unborn child. There is a page on the site dedicated to birthmothers and giving them a chance to tell their personal stories. I spent countless evenings after work reading about the heartache and struggles of these women. The anguish and sadness written in their words was heart-breaking. In all the different circumstances that led them all to the place they were at in their lives where they had to consider adoption, they all had one thing in common, they loved their unborn child and they wanted a good life for that child, a better life then what they thought they could give them.
In all of the dozens of personal stories I read there were a variety of types of adoption. Closed vs. semi-open vs. open. I found the most positive stories to come from the birthmothers who had an open adoption. It was then that I decided that OPEN adoption was the route I would like to take. If a woman was going to trust in me enough to give me her child… actually hand over her baby that she had carried for nine months to me then the least I could do for her is to keep communication open with her. So OPEN ADOPTION it would be!
Comments
WOW, see right there just goes to show how ready you are for this and how UNselfish you are. My first thought was CLOSED CLOSED CLOSED, I want this baby for me not sharing, being totally selfish. You are a remarkable person and I wish you the very best !