blogs
Good-bye trying to get pregnant... Hello! we are going to adopt!! ( Part III: Surviving Infertility and moving onto Adoption)
"Good-bye trying to get pregnant, HELLO, we are going to adopt" (Part III: Surviving infertility and moving onto adoption)
After all the testing, intrusive examinations and procedures we were diagnosed as “unexplained infertility, female factor”, which basically meant I was broken but they didn't know what exactly was wrong with me. Nice. As each month passed I found myself more and more depressed and I was now withdrawing from my husband, family and friends. The only people I cared to talk to anymore were my "fertility friends". I felt they were the only ones who understood me. My husband, being man, just couldn't grasp what I was going through as a woman who couldn't bare a child for her husband. I felt like a failure. He didn't really know what to say or do with me when I cried, which was all of the time at this point, so I would wait for the times I could find to be alone, whether it be in my car while driving, in the shower or as I lay in bed at night after he fell asleep. I found myself avoiding my pregnant friends and co-workers because I felt guilty for resenting them.
Things started looking up for my group of "fertility friends", the first woman getting pregnant via IVF (invitro fertilization) with twins. We were all so excited and couldn't help but feel hopeful that it would eventually happen for all of us. Slowly, one by one, the members of our group were getting pregnant but we also had several miscarriages and IVF cycles that weren't successful which was devastating to those couples as IVF is VERY expensive (infertility is NOT covered by insurance... don't even get me started on that). The average IVF cycle cost approximately $7,000 to $ 10,000 and IVF was not guaranteed to work. We decided to give artificial insemination a go as it was less expensive. As I was lying on the cold table in the dr.'s office, tilted almost on my head so the sperm had a better chance of a successful swim to my cervix during our third artificial insemination attempt something just clicked inside of me. It was then I made the decision that if it didn't work this time I was done. I knew what my heart could endure and what I was emotionally capable of handling and I had reached my limit. I wanted my life back. I wanted to be happy and to be able to smile again. I wanted to enjoy the company of my husband and family and friends. I wanted to be able to see and hold a baby without crying. I had become pitifully pathetic and I had had enough. My infertility struggles has consumed me for almost three years and I didn't like the person I had become. GOOD BYE "trying to get pregnant" HELLO "we are going to adopt!
"Good-bye trying to get pregnant, HELLO, we are going to adopt" (Part III: Surviving infertility and moving onto adoption)
After all the testing, intrusive examinations and procedures we were diagnosed as “unexplained infertility, female factor”, which basically meant I was broken but they didn't know what exactly was wrong with me. Nice. As each month passed I found myself more and more depressed and I was now withdrawing from my husband, family and friends. The only people I cared to talk to anymore were my "fertility friends". I felt they were the only ones who understood me. My husband, being man, just couldn't grasp what I was going through as a woman who couldn't bare a child for her husband. I felt like a failure. He didn't really know what to say or do with me when I cried, which was all of the time at this point, so I would wait for the times I could find to be alone, whether it be in my car while driving, in the shower or as I lay in bed at night after he fell asleep. I found myself avoiding my pregnant friends and co-workers because I felt guilty for resenting them.
Things started looking up for my group of "fertility friends", the first woman getting pregnant via IVF (invitro fertilization) with twins. We were all so excited and couldn't help but feel hopeful that it would eventually happen for all of us. Slowly, one by one, the members of our group were getting pregnant but we also had several miscarriages and IVF cycles that weren't successful which was devastating to those couples as IVF is VERY expensive (infertility is NOT covered by insurance... don't even get me started on that). The average IVF cycle cost approximately $7,000 to $ 10,000 and IVF was not guaranteed to work. We decided to give artificial insemination a go as it was less expensive. As I was lying on the cold table in the dr.'s office, tilted almost on my head so the sperm had a better chance of a successful swim to my cervix during our third artificial insemination attempt something just clicked inside of me. It was then I made the decision that if it didn't work this time I was done. I knew what my heart could endure and what I was emotionally capable of handling and I had reached my limit. I wanted my life back. I wanted to be happy and to be able to smile again. I wanted to enjoy the company of my husband and family and friends. I wanted to be able to see and hold a baby without crying. I had become pitifully pathetic and I had had enough. My infertility struggles has consumed me for almost three years and I didn't like the person I had become. GOOD BYE "trying to get pregnant" HELLO "we are going to adopt!
Comments
I totally understand what you went through. As I was reading your blog I thought I had written it. I do have to say I was able to conceive with fertility drugs on my last attempt, however, the fertility drugs were given to me a few extra days on the last attempt and I truly believe that because of PRAYER and those few extra pills, it happened. Of course when all else failed that they couldn't say what was wrong with me they labeled me as MENOPAUSE...yep, 34 years old and in menopause. Go figure. Adoption is wonderful and being a mom isn't about the delivering of a child....but I can tell you already know that and are a pro at MOMMYHOOD. Good for you!
Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, had to have laproscopic surgery to remove some endometriosis, and we had to endure multiple IUIs and clomid to conceive our first child. The second one came much easier, but there was a miscarriage in between. I remember the struggles and the roller-coaster and the hoping each month was going to be "it" and then the devastation of finding out I had failed once again. So difficult, and I applaud you for overcoming all of it and for opening up to people who can really benefit from reading about your experiences.
Thank you for putting all of this into words -- I think it will really be eye-opening for lots of women!
It's hard to really understand what infertility feels like, but I think you're doing a good job describing it. I applaud you, too -- so often infertility is like a "dirty little secret" that no one talks about.
Thank you again for sharing this.