blogs
Help! I don't want to raise a train wreck
The other day, my husband went to pick up our girls and I started watching 'True Hollywood story: Amy Winehouse'. I really have no idea why I am so fascinated/frightened by her. Maybe it is the weird nightmare I had where she was a serial killer and I was stuck in a room that was floor to ceiling vintage shoes!
Or that, somehow (through no real fault of my own) I will say or do something that causes our daughter’s to melt down later in life to the degree that she has. The bio started out with her as a product of divorce but it wasn’t like she had some tragic childhood from what I could tell. So how is it that such a talented and once normal looking girl get’s early emphysema from smokin' crack!
Our girls are only 5 and 2 and while I should be focusing on reading and potty training, I find my mind wandering about crazy things like this.
As I watched, the show talked about the boys that she met in her teens and the one she finally married. Not exactly pilars of society. It seems like she has no self esteem and has put much of her self worth into the men that she is 'in love' with. Ok, I just answered my own question.
Any good advice on instilling self-esteem in girls, so they don't let outside influences rule their self worth?
AP Photo/Jeff Christense
Food on my shirt!
Learning to love the chaos of raising two head strong girls. My husband says "they are just like their mama".
The other day, my husband went to pick up our girls and I started watching 'True Hollywood story: Amy Winehouse'. I really have no idea why I am so fascinated/frightened by her. Maybe it is the weird nightmare I had where she was a serial killer and I was stuck in a room that was floor to ceiling vintage shoes!
Or that, somehow (through no real fault of my own) I will say or do something that causes our daughter’s to melt down later in life to the degree that she has. The bio started out with her as a product of divorce but it wasn’t like she had some tragic childhood from what I could tell. So how is it that such a talented and once normal looking girl get’s early emphysema from smokin' crack!
Our girls are only 5 and 2 and while I should be focusing on reading and potty training, I find my mind wandering about crazy things like this.
As I watched, the show talked about the boys that she met in her teens and the one she finally married. Not exactly pilars of society. It seems like she has no self esteem and has put much of her self worth into the men that she is 'in love' with. Ok, I just answered my own question.
Any good advice on instilling self-esteem in girls, so they don't let outside influences rule their self worth?
AP Photo/Jeff Christense
Comments
Speaking from my own experience, the search for men to "love" usually comes from an absent father. I don't necesarily mean no father, more like a father who isn't involved. A lot of teenage girls will subconciously look for a leading male role from whoever's around. Sometimes it will be boys her age, sometimes older. Her existence will depend on him. Obviously this is unhealthy. I guess my suggestion is to teach your girls that boys aren't the end all and be all. Be sure they know that they're beautiful and valuable. It may sound like the obvious thing to do, but there are so many parents who ignore their girls and don't work to build up their self-esteem. This is not a "poor me" story, but as an example, my father would tell me he didn't want to see my face, took no intrest in my intrests, and on my wedding day didn't once tell me I looked beautiful. I had a pretty hard time.
So let those little girls know how wonderful and beautiful they are. Listen to them. Take an intrest. And, in the end, they will turn out just fine.
Thanks for the response. I totally agree with you. My parents for whatever reason just did not empasize that enough, I guess. I got caught in the traps of caring too much what others, especially boys, thought of me. My goal is to learn from my mistakes and try to instill as much self-esteem in our girls as possible.
Heather, Site Editor/Administrator/Blogger
hwitherspoon@mom2momdfw.com
Heather, Relax! You have will have so much more to worry with in the next 10 years than the Amy's of today, who will be the "who's that?" of tomorrow! If your girls were older, your worry would be approriate. Be a good example for your girls. Point out good examples of others to your girls, (without them knowing your pointing it out!). And they will come home with questionable friends, trust me. But if they have a solid positive influence at home, they'll come back to that everytime. My 18 yr old daughter said something to me about a year ago that helped me relax. I asked her why she doesn't hang out with anyone other than this one girl or why she didn't want to date this particular football player that was calling her. "Mom, I have other friends, but they put themselves in compromising situations that I know you wouldn't approve and I don't like. And as far as "him" he has a reputation with getting his way with girls and I"m not interested.". I knew then that my husband and I had done an okay job with her and I could trust her judgement. There is a cousin that is 3 years older than my daughter with tatoos and body piercings, and her way of dressing is horrible. My daughter doesn't like her and doesn't understand why she turned out this way. Be the example you want your girls to follow and they'll be fine!
Make It A Great Day!
Audrey
Thanks Audrey, you are the voice of reason. I know I am neurotic, I like to think that is part of my charm. (Ha!) All I can hope to do is to set good examples now and throughout their childhoods.
It just seems as early as pre-school kids are watching and doing things that you would never allow your children to do or say. So, I continue to remind her of the reasons why she can't watch certain things and in turn talk to her about positive actions and re-actions, etc. I appreciate the advice and I think it is great that your daughter has such a great sense of self at 18. You have done a good job 4 sure!
Hi Heather,
I have to respectfully disagree with Audrey thinking you are going overboard. Audrey, are you kidding me? The worry is definitely appropriate! It's usually those who are worried that don't need to be and those who aren't worried that SHOULD be. Though it sounds like Audrey has a fantastic daughter, I think she's in the minority. All I see at my daughter's junior high are spoiled brats, none of whom can accept the word "no" as an answer - to them, it is merely a jumping off point for negotiations.
Age 5 is when it STARTS with girls, if not before. I can point out at least five key mistakes that have affected my stepdaughter's self-esteem is a big way that were all made before she was even 7 years old. Self-esteem is built from birth - from clapping and "Yay!" and positive reinforcement even as a baby. Those things obviously weren't done or weren't done enough and I am paying the price right now trying to manage a 13-year-old girl with little self-worth, scared to death she's going to do something just to be part of a crowd, or get all "Juno"-ed out with the first guy that says, "I love you."
Yes, Amy Winehouse is a crackhead. And I bet you her parents are not "lay-down-the-law"-type people. They have let her "be her own person" to the extent that they've allowed her to make these kinds of mistakes. Parents are supposed to provide a stable environment, not go back on their word, help to guide their children to make the right decisions and follow up with punishment - if they don't, they will walk all over you. You teach your kids how to treat you and they will either respect your or not - that is up to you.
Don't get me wrong, my daughter and I have a lot of fun, but parenting is work - and if it's not, you're not doing it right.
Heather, I'm absolutely not saying your 5-year-old is going to start doing drugs or anything crazy. But a small, healthy dose of Amy Winehouse in the back of your mind at all times will help you when you need it most (i.e., I really don't want to discipline her right now, it's not that big of a deal... but if I don't, what are the consequences... Amy Winehouse?). No means no. Always. Even when we're tired, even when we're stressed and even when all we want is 30 minutes to unblock the TV and watch Sex & the City. ;) I think that maybe people like Amy Winehouse were put on this Earth to teach the rest of us a lesson, and we'd be wise to learn from it instead of being naive in thinking, "that will never happen to my child." Her mommy probably thought the same thing.
xoxo,Laura
Laura,
Thanks for the response. Our oldest is about to turn six and lately I have felt like I am too hard on her. Your post has reminded me that I need to stick to my guns with the discipline. I'm sure there is a happy medium and I am working on that. It's nice to know that I am not "too" crazy thinking that these things can start earlier than we might think. As for your step daughter, take it from me a girl who grew up with little self esteem, it's never too late instill that in her. Good luck to you and thanks for the advice :)
Heather, Site Editor/Administrator/Blogger
hwitherspoon@mom2momdfw.com
Check out my blog food on my shirt