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Not a 'real mom'
Let's face it. No one dreams of being a stepmom, especially since the title in fairytales is usually bestowed with "wicked" or "ugly" or "evil."
In my own life, this was a foreign concept. I was raised by Filipino parents who believe in the sanctity of marriage. Divorce and stepchildren were not the norm. So, I was at a disadvantage when I married my husband and became a stepmom to two boys - the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 7.
In some ways, I"ve purposely taken a back seat in parenting decisions. Their birth parents should have the ultimate say in anything pertaining to their kids, right? I’m also a Libra, and loathe confrontations.
The boys call me by my first name, Mari, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, they do have moms whom they love and are present in their lives.
So why did I feel soooo bad when I heard the 7-year-old respond to his classmate’s question ("Is she your mom?") with "She’s not my real mom, silly. She’s my stepmom."
I guess it’s one thing to be a stepmom, but does that mean I’m not a real mom? I’ve read bedtime stories, kissed boo-boos, wiped butts — surely this is more real than reality TV?
When the 7-year-old was a toddler, he used to call me "his brother Mari." It was his way of expressing his connection to me. Even though I corrected him and told him "I’m just your Mari," I was elated that he felt I was part of the family.
But this latest expression of our connection baffled me. I didn't want to ruin our relationship so I shut my feelings inside, as I usually do, and went about my life. But in my head, I kept hearing: "You're not a real mom." And farther back in my brain, I kept hearing the SNL guys from Wayne’s World saying: "You’re not worthy."
Of course, it was my husband, as he usually does, who brought me back to reality. He said that our son said something funny after school. He told his dad: "I have a mommy and I have a daddy and I have a Mari, but I’m the luckiest kid in the whole world cuz I'm the only one in the whole world with a Mari."
I hadn't told my husband about the previous conversation, so I’m sure he thought I was menstrual when I reacted with tears in my eyes.
It's not always happily ever after, but the moral to my story is that I don't have to be a "real mom" to be a parent, I just have to be a Mari.
Mari's Moments
It's not always easy being a stepmom, but the rewards definitely outweigh the challenges.
Let's face it. No one dreams of being a stepmom, especially since the title in fairytales is usually bestowed with "wicked" or "ugly" or "evil."
In my own life, this was a foreign concept. I was raised by Filipino parents who believe in the sanctity of marriage. Divorce and stepchildren were not the norm. So, I was at a disadvantage when I married my husband and became a stepmom to two boys - the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 7.
In some ways, I"ve purposely taken a back seat in parenting decisions. Their birth parents should have the ultimate say in anything pertaining to their kids, right? I’m also a Libra, and loathe confrontations.
The boys call me by my first name, Mari, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, they do have moms whom they love and are present in their lives.
So why did I feel soooo bad when I heard the 7-year-old respond to his classmate’s question ("Is she your mom?") with "She’s not my real mom, silly. She’s my stepmom."
I guess it’s one thing to be a stepmom, but does that mean I’m not a real mom? I’ve read bedtime stories, kissed boo-boos, wiped butts — surely this is more real than reality TV?
When the 7-year-old was a toddler, he used to call me "his brother Mari." It was his way of expressing his connection to me. Even though I corrected him and told him "I’m just your Mari," I was elated that he felt I was part of the family.
But this latest expression of our connection baffled me. I didn't want to ruin our relationship so I shut my feelings inside, as I usually do, and went about my life. But in my head, I kept hearing: "You're not a real mom." And farther back in my brain, I kept hearing the SNL guys from Wayne’s World saying: "You’re not worthy."
Of course, it was my husband, as he usually does, who brought me back to reality. He said that our son said something funny after school. He told his dad: "I have a mommy and I have a daddy and I have a Mari, but I’m the luckiest kid in the whole world cuz I'm the only one in the whole world with a Mari."
I hadn't told my husband about the previous conversation, so I’m sure he thought I was menstrual when I reacted with tears in my eyes.
It's not always happily ever after, but the moral to my story is that I don't have to be a "real mom" to be a parent, I just have to be a Mari.
Comments
Your post is spot on, Mari. I'm in the process of becoming a stepmom, too (although my fiancee and I live together, right now I'm still "stepmom-to-be."). It can be confusing to be a stepmom (to be), but I'm also finding there are a lot of rewards at the end of the day!
I want a Mari, too! Your stepson is a lucky kid. And you're a fabulous mother to your stepson.
Love this site!
Boy, do I know that feeling! First and foremost though, I think you should have told your husband, and if need be, explain to him why that hurt your feelings. I tippy-toed around what to tell/what not to tell at first, but the fact is that there is a "MOM" in STEPMOM - and you don't become a STEP all by yourself! Your hubby is the glue holding you and the kids together, so he needs to know how you're feeling - good or bad.
While neither of you have to share the fact with your stepson that his comments may have hurt you, at least you and your husband are on the same page and he is supporting you every step of the way. I'm sure he does, as my hubby does, appreciate and understand how challenging it is to have to create a role for yourself in his childrens' lives. And if he doesn't, he needs to - and he won't unless you tell him how you feel. :) You two are a unit and if something's irking you, he can irk right along beside you.
xoxo,Laura